a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
