My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
