I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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