evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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