I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
