Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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