i wish my penis had a tongue
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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