Umm I'm too high to move.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
