god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
