is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
