we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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