My sheets look like a crime scene.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
