Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
