just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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