He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
