Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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