I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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