She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
