her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
