It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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