If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
