o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
