He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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