I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
