Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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