Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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