I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
