My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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