Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
