So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
