Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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