I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
