he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
