Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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