even my farts smell like vagina
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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