I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
