the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
