was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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