I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I have already put on my inside pants.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
