I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
