I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
