I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
