Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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