Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
