Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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