Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
