you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
