i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
