I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
