I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
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How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
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painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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