It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
