If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
