Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
