i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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