I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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