You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
