Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Someone shit on the floor
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
