Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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