Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
