I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
